‘Me Before We: Pathways to Forgiveness’ - Dr Sue Morrison
/Start Close In by David Whyte
Start close in,
don’t take the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step
you don’t want to take.
Start with
the ground
you know,
the pale ground
beneath your feet,
your own
way to begin
the conversation.
Start with your own
question,
give up on other
people’s questions,
don’t let them
smother something
simple.
To hear
another’s voice,
follow
your own voice,
wait until
that voice
becomes an
intimate
private ear
that can
really listen
to another.
Start right now
take a small step
you can call your own
don’t follow
someone else’s
heroics, be humble
and focused,
start close in,
don’t mistake
that other
for your own.
Start close in,
don’t take
the second step
or the third,
start with the first
thing
close in,
the step
you don’t want to take.
Music:
Filled with Loving Kindness
We Begin Again in Love
Message
A few weeks ago I was listening to Thought for the Day on Radio 4. The speaker, I think, was an Anglican minister, who asked: "Who owns forgiveness?" It seems like a simple question, but as she unpacked it, I realized how profound and challenging it really is.
She was reflecting on the aftermath of the 3 young girls murdered in Southport last year. She made a point that felt both obvious and somehow extraordinary: forgiveness is not ours to give on behalf of someone else. We cannot forgive on behalf of those who have been harmed. That belongs to those who experienced the abuse or the violation or the loss. The right to forgive belongs to those who have directly suffered.
This reminded me of something I've come across before called the Forgiveness Project, started by Marina Cantacuzino, which emphasizes that forgiveness is not a simple "I forgive you" uttered once and done. Rather, it's a process, sometimes a long and winding one, where we don't always know exactly where we are along the path. It unfolds in its own time.
So then, I found myself thinking: if forgiveness is a process we must respect and honour in others—what about the harm we do to ourselves? What about the forgiveness we owe ourselves?
In “Stay Close In”, David Whyte’s poem, the first step captures the difficulty of staying with the self questioning. We must remember again and again to stay with a humble conversation with ourselves so we can then reach out to others and at last find a way to become the love that we want in this world." That's why it's called "the first step." Self-forgiveness isn't the destination—it's the necessary beginning and the world definitely needs more kindness.
This brings me to the provocative title of this message, ‘Me before We’. It sounds counterintuitive, especially here, in a community like ours where we pride ourselves on putting others first, on service, on the "we" rather than the "me.” More than provocative, it sounds selfish. Of course it is self-ish but perhaps its appropriate to encourage ourselves to be concerned with our self sometimes.
But bear with me.
Putting ourselves first is counterintuitive, yes, but it points to something essential. Think of the safety instructions on an airplane: put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Not because you don't care about the child beside you, but because you cannot help anyone if you cannot breathe.
The same principle applies to forgiveness and compassion.
We must tend to our own wounds before we can truly tend to others'.
And here's where I find myself most challenged: why is it so much easier to extend compassion and forgiveness to others rather than to ourselves?
If a friend came to me and shared something terrible that happened to them, something they felt guilty about or ashamed of, I would listen. I would say, ‘that sounds awful but I'm sure you did the best you could.’
But when I speak to myself about similar situations, my inner voice is far harsher:
"Well, you could have done that better. You should have known. You mustn't wallow in this—just get on with it."
I'm struck once again by how poorly integrated I am — how my theory and practice don't match up. I think I’ve mentioned this in messages before. I teach this material. I run workshops on mindful self-compassion. I'm steeped in the theory. But actually remembering to practice self-compassion with myself? That's a whole otherballgame. I have to keep coming back to it, again and again. And I bring up this theme again today as I suspect I'm not alone in this. I think many of us are far kinder to others than we are to ourselves. We hold ourselves to impossible standards while offering grace freely to those around us. We forgive others readily while keeping a running score of our own failures.
But here's what I've come to believe: we need to forgive ourselves —to be in a place where we can really forgive anybody else. Without self-forgiveness, our forgiveness of others may be hollow, performative, or conditional. It may come from a place of moral superiority rather than genuine understanding.
When I realized this service would fall near Valentine's Day, it struck me that this fits perfectly. Because the basis for any good relationship — with a partner, with friends, with community — is having a good relationship with yourself. Yes, it sounds clichéd.
Yes, we've all heard "you have to love yourself before you can love others" a thousand times. But clichés become clichés because they contain truth. If you don't feel good about yourself, if you don't like yourself, your other relationships will suffer. It's not hard to understand.
This isn't selfishness. Or perhaps more accurately, it's the right kind of self-ish-ness — caring for the self not as an end in itself, but as the foundation for everything else. It's what you do with that self-care, how you channel it outward, that matters.
I was reminded of this recently at an extended meditation retreat. Meditation, at its core, is about going inward and upward and finding the strength or source before we put anything outward. We must quieten our own minds and spirits. We must attend to our inner landscape. And then, having accessed whatever we believe is greater than ourselves — whether we call it the divine, the universe, or simply our deepest values — we harness that goodness and put it out into the world.
Meditation is entirely focused on the inner self, yet it allows us to look outward with greater clarity, compassion, and presence. We must turn inward before we can genuinely turn outward. The inward journey makes the outward journey possible. This pattern appears everywhere once you start looking for it. So what might this look like in our day to day lives? It means catching ourselves when we speak harshly to ourselves and asking: would I speak this way to a friend?
So, as we come to the end of this message — whether you celebrate Valentine's Day or simply mark the lengthening of light — I invite you to practice "me before we.”Not as abandonment of community or service, but as their foundation.
Be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone you love. Speak to yourself with the gentleness you would offer a friend. Forgive yourself as you would forgive others — knowing that forgiveness is a process, that you won't always know where you are on the path, and that this is OK.
Because ultimately, the love we can offer the world is directly proportional to the love we can offer ourselves and the forgiveness we’ve cultivated within. Put on your own oxygen mask first. Not because others don't matter, but because they do. And you cannot help them breathe if you cannot breathe yourself.
May we all find the courage to turn inward with compassion, so that we may turn outward with love.
I would now like to invite you to join me in a few moments of reflection, what some might call meditation or prayer to access that quiet part of ourselves that occasionally shows a path to being part of something larger than us. If you don’t want to take part in this short exercise, which may take a few minutes, please sit quietly.
COMPASSION FOR SELF AND OTHERS
• Please sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes, and take three, deep, relaxing breaths.
• Open your awareness to the sounds in your environment. Coming into the present moment by simply listening to whatever presents itself to your ears
• Finding your body in the room and noting your posture as if you were seeing yourself from the outside.
• Next, bringing your awareness inside your body. Noting the world of sensation occurring there in this very moment—sitting in the midst of the pulsation and vibration of your body—just as you sat in the midst of sound.
• To strengthen the intention of bringing loving-kindness to your awareness, putting a hand over your heart or elsewhere and feeling the warmth and gentle touch of your hand.
• Beginning to offer yourself a breath, a smile, or a phrase like the following one that reflects a deep wish you may have for yourself:
May I be happy and free from suffering
• When you are ready, allowing yourself to be aware of any people or other living beings that enter your mind. When someone appears, sending something good, perhaps a breath, a smile or the words:
May you be happy and free from suffering
• Lingering with this being, and offering good wishes as long as you like, and then wait for the next one to appear in your mind. Take your time.
• And returning to yourself at anytime, especially if you need to anchor your awareness in your own body, or if you need to comfort yourself.
• Now letting go of the meditation and allowing yourself to be exactly as you are in this moment.
• Gently opening your eyes.
Thank you. You may wish to light a silent candle for yourself or anyone else who has been in your thoughts just now.
So please come back into the congregational space, recognizing that we, too, deserve the compassion we so readily offer others. It means understanding that forgiveness — of ourselves and others — is not weakness but a strength. Not permission to harm but recognition of our shared humanity.
It means making space, even in our busy lives, for reflection, meditation, prayer — whatever practice helps us turn inward with gentleness rather than judgment.
It means creating that slight intention towards a spiritual space, wherever and however we find that. Maybe it’s here at NU on a Sunday?
May it be so.
Leaving words
“Write it on your heart
that every day is the best day in the year.
They are rich who own the day, and no one owns the day
who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.
Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with your old nonsense.
This new day is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
